Zombie vacancies can mean many things, Jazz Fans. It could mean the vacant expression in a zombie’s eyes, or the vacancies in their skull once their brains have been eaten. But in NYC, it can only mean there’s an apartment available, and you know what that means– STAMPEDE! To see what I mean, give a listen to this week’s Zombie Radio Show!
Why, New York? Why do we have to turn on each other, brother against brother (nothing against you sisters,) and all for a fabulous rent-controlled apartment?
Why do our inner reptiles emerge, and we’re prepared to slit each others throat at the sight of a multi-level duplex with a sunken tub and a big screen TV with a massive DVD collection? Why? Why does my wine cellar and round vibrating bed drive people to fits of rage and murderous intent that would make a zombie go pale, or even more pale? Why? Maybe you can explain it to me after you see this week’s video adaptation of Zombie Radio Show.
It’s enough to make you sick to your stomach, isn’t it, Jazz Fans? That people would stoop so low, become so animalistic, all for my admittedly gorgeous DeNiro bunker. What happened to private property? What happened to rule of law?
Fans, the DeNiro Bunker is mine. I earned it. I worked hard for it. I sweated over it. Actually, I sweated over the previous owner, who had willed it to the Jimmy Rudolph trust, and then refused to die. You think axes are lightweight and easy to conceal in a trench coat? Well, I’m here to tell you, they’re not! You think they’re easy to swing at a little old lady who trusted you? Wrong again! In fact, I couldn’t even hit the sweet old broad. The best I could do was pin her down so that she couldn’t get to her heart medication. It’s not easy. But I did it. And the bunker is mine.
So let’s get together, Jazz Fans, face our common humanity, and affirm together that life is precious, that we’re all in this together, that we have to work together to survive the zombie menace, and that the DeNiro bunker is mine, and not yours or anyone else’s.
And if you want to get together with your old pal Jimmy more often, Follow him on Twitter, Like him on Facebook, and subscribe to his YouTube Channel. Unlike our regular home, you can visit our online homes whenever.