But you know what I hate? Zombie Test Stations! I mean, they make you wait in lines that go on forever, so all you do is shamble around– If you’re not a zombie before you go in, you’re a zombie when you come out. Am I right? (laughter)
The lady says to me, she says “Do you engage in any zombie like behavior? Do you stare ahead dully, attack people with little or no provocation, engage in mindless and repetitive motions and have no inner soul?” I say, “Lady, are we talking zombies, or your job description?” (rim shot) (laughter)
Just to pass the time, I start talking to the guy behind me. I says, “What do you need to pass this zombie test?” He says “Brains.” I says, “Well, good for you, because you got some on your chin.” Hey, lady, c’mon. I don’t go to where you work and knock the skull out of your hands. (laughter)
Now here’s a little media– could we bring down the house lights, please?– Here’s a little film that I prepared, a little documentary I call “The Seventh Circle of Hell” Seriously, I hate zombie test stations. Enjoy!
(Applause) Thank you. Thank you. I mean, I remember the DMV, who here remembers the DMV? (applause) The DMV was pretty bad, but driving a car was optional. But the Zombie Test Station, you have to go in order to get your name off the Zombie Database. What am I going to do, NOT be a human being? Don’t ask my mother-in-law that question. (laughter)
Hey, you’ve all been a great audience! Don’t forget to tip your waitress, they have to make a living, too, and you don’t want them to resort to black market brain sales. (laughter) Talk about identity theft! (laughter) Though with this crowd, they’d make more money from tips! (laughter) No, seriously, you’ve been great. Don’t forget, I’ll be on Twitter next week, on Facebook all month, and you can catch me on my regular YouTube show.
I’d like to leave you with one final thought…
“Whether I’m right, or whether I’m wrong–
I gotta be meeeeeee!”