Jimmy Rudolph presents J-Bo’s Tips on Zombie Survival– July 4th Edition
Heyyy, Jazz Fans, your pal Jimmy Rudolph here. Y’know, three-hundred something-something whatever years ago, we fought a bloody war to win our freedom from England.
Today, we commemorate that proud day by drinking beer, grilling meat and watching fireworks. The fireworks represent the fury of war, the grilled meats represent the uh, the many who died on the field of battle, and the beer represents– well, it’s beer.
But in the midst of our revelry, it’s important to remember that we’re still fighting a war for independence. The Zombies are coming, New Yorkers, and they want to tax our brains! The death toll always shoots up on July 4th weekend, as drunk and stumbling celebrators become undead and stumbling brain eaters. Why celebrate our Independence over the
British if we’re just going to lose our brains, the source of independence, to the slavering hordes? Many of us start July 4th claiming our inalienable rights, and end it pledging allegiance to brains.
My 4th of July Zombie Survival Tips would be simple– set the security perimeter on your penthouse suite, open the cooler, turn on some Red White and Blues, and stay indoors. But J-Bo tells me some of you like to get together with friends, party, laugh and drink. Are you crazy?! Anyway, since she has the more pertinent tips (and I mean that in the non-perverted way,) I’ll let her give the advice. To get more thorough Zombie Survival
Tips, check out our (her) Zombie Survival Tips page! Take it away, J-Bo.
J-Bo’s 4th of July Zombie Survival Tips
Many people say you should avoid alcohol, so that you can be sober when the blue gums
crash your party. But MIT research indicates that after four beers, your brain becomes unappealing, even to zombies– especially if those beers are domestic. And what better way to celebrate the 4th of July then drinking domestic beer? Just don’t drink more than four beers, as becoming too drunk to drive has its own health risks. Nothing is worse than sobering up in an overturned car, strapped in and helpless, with zombies pawing at your window.
Lots of meat gives you the protein you need to build muscle, and muscle is what you’ll need to outrun zombies, as well as rip their heads off. Steaks and brats are excellent
sources of protein. Forget about the bun, just grab that sucker with both hands and shovel it in. This is America, and buns are for the French.
3.) Keep your Fireworks to Yourself
The latest 4th of July craze is taking cherry bombs and shoving them in a zombie’s mouth, then rejoicing as the head explodes. We’ve all seen the YouTube videos, and yes, it’s hilarious and never gets old. But what those videos don’t show you is the intrepid filmmaker getting infected and turning into a zombie three days later. Zombie mouths are infectious places. Sticking your hand in there is like sticking your dick in a vat of Ebola. And when you wake up as a zombie, what do you think your friends are going to do?
They’re going to set up the camera, grab an M-80, and do the same thing to you. The cycle of zombie infection spreads fastest among peers. So if you need to watch something blow up, give Alka Seltzer to a duck, but leave the zombies alone.
4.) Be Merry
Hey, there may be no July 5th, am I right? Just keep your machetes handy, keep your look-outs and vid monitors happy, and enjoy! We’ll get through this, and when we do, jello shots are on me!