Zombie Results. Am I, or am I not, a brain eater? As the great man said, “I think, therefore I am.” But as the zombie who ate him might have said, “I eat your think, therefore I am.” Who is right? I guess they both are. But which right am I?
While I still hold it over J-Bo for fraudulently putting my name on the Zombie Database, I have to confess that this journey has been one of self-awareness and inner revelation. Barred from my own home, I learned I had the inner strength to survive out on the street and bond with my fellow urchins. And when my fellow urchins tried to kill me, I learned I had no business being out on the street. I’m at peace with that knowledge.
When I went to re-humanize my data at the Zombie Test Station, I learned that there are no limits to what a man will endure to get his good name back. I’m not sure how the anal probe helped me with my good name, especially once they posted the footage on EyeTube. I assume that zombies have a specific way of enduring degradation, and hope that my threats to sue were uniquely human.
Yes, I’ve learned a lot, Jazz Fans. If I had a time machine and could avoid all of this hardship, I honestly don’t think I would. I mean, I’d probably go forward in time first and pick up a laser, then go back in time and kill Hitler and get myself good tickets to an early Miles Davis performance, but after all that, and armed with a laser, I’d definitely take the same path and avail myself of the same exquisite and valuable knowledge I now have. J-Bo did me a favor putting me on the Zombie Database.
Just don’t tell J-Bo.
Now, I need to know if my knowledge is enough to get me back into the good graces of official humanity. If you want to find out how it all goes, just listen to the above episodes, and follow me on Twitter, Facebook and EyeTube.