It’s that time of year, Jazz Fans, when creepy crawlies stalk the streets, searching relentlessly for food. Actually, it’s always that time of the year here in zombie-infested New York City, but in late October, we send our children out to join them. Now, speaking as a show business professional, I’ve done my share of putting on weird costumes and begging for goodies, like applause or a higher per diem. I’ve learned a lot from my vast experience, and for once, I can put my vastness to good use. Here, for the kiddies, are some safety tips for Halloween night.
Tip #1- Go! 90% of life is showing up. The other 10% is not showing up when it’s dangerous, I get that. But hiding under your bed when your parents knock on your door with your costume, or clinging to the bed frame when they drag you out, or lapsing into catatonia when they try to put your costume on, is just not seemly. At some point, you’re going to have to go out into those undead streets and make a living. Halloween is the perfect training today for tomorrow’s street-wise entrepreneur. So do your parents proud, put on that Transformers costume, sharpen your machete and grow a pair. There are Snickers out there for the taking! And if the tunnels get clogged with human flesh again, like they did last Spring, and the food trucks can’t make it through, those Snickers are gonna be pretty darn tasty.
Tip #2 – Costume, Costume, Costume! Wearing that felt Snoopy outfit is a big mistake. The felt is absorbent, and weighs you down when engorged with bodily fluids, making you look more like Clifford the Big Red Dog. If you want to continue trick-or-treatin’ after your first encounter with a zombie, it’s important to choose a costume that can be easily hosed off. Mylar outfits are your best bet. They cling in all the right places, and their connection to tragic suffocations is circumstantial at best– those kids would have died anyhow. Your other option is what I call “The Michelin Method”. Put on seven layers of costume. You’ll be waddling at the beginning of the night, but as you stain your outer garments with the clotted blood of the undead, you strip it off and leave it behind, leaving you fresh, thinner and more spry for your next encounter.
Tip #3 – Never Trick or Treat alone! Always go with parents, who are made very useful by their tendency to throw themselves in between you and a ravenous zombie. If parents are unavailable, slow kids will do.
Tip #4 – Take the Veggies! Sure, we’re doing this for chocolate and strip club coupons, but every once in a while, some do-gooder will throw a carrot or an apple into your sack. We used to throw these away– usually at the do-gooder. But those tasteless clumps of nutrients may save your life. A carrot can be sharpened by your teeth into a shiv, perfect for stabbing out the eyes of a zombie looking for your brains. Apples, on the other hand, were made by God to wedge into a zombie’s gaping maw, making it too full to accommodate your sweetmeats. Urban legend had it that neighborhood psychos would offer apples with razor blades inside. Good! You can use those razor blades to slice off a zombie’s head.
Tip #5 – Have fun!
That’s it, kids. I hope you enjoyed this bit of advice, and if you survive the night, a 10% gratuity is customary. No carrots or apples, please.