A Zombie in the Chimney can be a frequent problem for many of our listeners. Today, I’ve asked J-Bo to give people tips on how to extricate a zombie from your flue, without getting any grue on you. Oh, and for those of you without chimneys or zombies within them, here’s a little Christmas Cheer from Zombie Radio Show! A never before seen video adaptation of a holiday classic! Enjoy!
Hey, Zans. J-Bo here. Okay, uh… Zombies in the chimney. First thing you absolutely must do is make sure it’s a zombie up there. Nothing is worse than dripping acid down your chute, marring all that brick work you spent so much money on, only to find out what you thought was a zombie in the chimney was pathetic Uncle Lars, trying to impress the kids and prove to his wife that the Adkins worked. As if that weren’t bad enough, you’re technically a murderer, so, there’s that. Just make sure it’s a zombie.
So, drop some brains down the chimney. If you hear the sounds of shlurping and chomping, it’s a zombie. If you hear someone shouting “Stop throwing brains on me and call the fire department!”, it’s probably not a zombie. Still, to make sure, give a little jab with the machete and see what color blood comes out. If it’s blue, that’s a zombie. If it’s red, it’s just an idiot. Leave him there and enjoy your Christmas.
Now, say you’ve got a zombie up there. The first step is preventative. Remove all Yule logs in the fire place, and substitute the trash compactor. Turn it on. Keep it on. Face it- that zombies not gaining weight up in there, and the chances that he’ll slip increase every minute. If that happens, the rotating blades of your disposal are the perfect welcome. Of course, they’re a hazard if you have any kids at home, but having a flesh processor in the living room gives your kids the cautionary skills they’ll need to survive. As for the noise, you don’t need to hear that lousy Perry Como CD again. Trust me.
Next, attach a large rubber sphincter to the mouth of your chimney. Do this carefully, so as not to fall into the disposal. Chances are the zombie will have crawled in head first. So you want the opening of the sphincter to be wide enough to accomodate a standard size human head, but small enough to stop anything wider– like shoulders. Next, go up to the roof and pour a little grease down the chimney. Not too much, or he’ll slip through the sphincter, but enough so he’ll slip down the chimney.
If all goes well, and you’ve listened carefully to my instructions, the zombie should be caught in the sphincter, with only the head showing. Turn off you disposal, chop off the zombies head, and throw it at carolers. Then simply cinch up the rubber sphincter, turning it into a garbage bag. Dump the zombie body. Replace the disposal. Light the Yule log and party down.
Who asked you to have a fucking chimney anyway?!