Exploding Zombie Heads? You could say I’m something of an expert after this week’s episode of Zombie Radio Show. I know that it’s important to remove the heads from the body if you want to move a zombie fro the “undead” column to the “just dead” column, but that used to mean getting up close and slicing the head off– and if your aim was anything like mine, that could mean hours of messy work. But now we can remove zombies from the body politic, not as a cancer from our flesh, by cutting, but as we would remove a zit. Squeeze, pop, and from a distance of twenty feet. To find out more, just watch the radio by clicking below!
Now, fans, I know the thought of zombie heads exploding may seem a tad repulsive to you. But after the twelfth time, the repulsion gives way to hilarity. You also begin to appreciate the differences in blast patterns and splatter ratios. Why did this zombie head explode like the Hindenburg, while the other zombie head just deflated like an overripe nectarine? Each and every zombie who’s head I’ve seen explode has exploded with a unique sound, color and skull peppering. They may just seem like a horde while they’re still shambling, but in their explosive finales, they achieve an individuality one would not have thought possible. And we assumed they were brainless, just because they wanted our brains. Well, fans, they are not brainless. My dry cleaning bill can attest to that. No, friends, each and every zombie head explodes differently, as rare and singular as a snowflake. It makes you appreciate God’s handiwork in creating these horrible slavering beasts.
But if you’re not interested in watching this spectacle, you can just hear it by clicking the radio version of our radio show below;
Trendsetter that I am, you’ll all probably want to go out and pick up the latest Chew single from the Chew Boyz and try this out on your own. Here are some quick tips from Jimmy on how to properly enjoy the experience.
1.) Bring ear plugs. The Chew music may be bad for zombies, but that doesn’t mean it will be good for you. I’ve only heard a bar or two, but this has got to be the worst form of music in the history of mankind. No offense, Puddin’ Pretty. I’ll root for you at the Grammies.
2.) Bring goggles. Nothing ruins the experience of seeing a zombie head explode like getting a skull shard in your retina.
3.) Don’t look directly into the center of the blast. Just like a solar eclipse, the sudden glare can sear your eyes, make your palms hairy, and decrease your capacity for self-pleasure. It’s just not worth it, Jazz Fans! And finally–
4.) Don’t stop to admire your handiwork, or the cops will make you clean it up. This can take hours. As soon as the head explodes, run to the nearest bar, and reminisce.