The Lost Episodes Part 2 – Everybody Hurts

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This one was a real heart breaker, because we actually recorded it. James was there, and Angelle, as well as the brilliant and talented Mr. David Pinion. In this particular episode, we gave him eight different characters to do, including Clarence from “It’s A Wonderful Life” and Peyton Manning– and he nailed every single character! It was a sight to hear. Unfortunately, the podcasting company was dealing with technical glitches, and we wound up with a mic that recorded at a much lower level– and it was James’ mike. The episode was beyond salvage, and it has since been deleted into oblivion.

We dealt with some topical humor. It was just after the Superbowl, hosted by NYC (or New Jersey, if you want to get all technical) between Denver and Seattle. After an incredible build up promising a clash between the perfect offense and the perfect defense, Denver lost spectacularly. I couldn’t resist having a depressed Peyton Manning on the show. (David Pinion’s Manning impersonation was a revelation!)

Here is the script below, for those of you with sufficient attention spans to read it. The highlight for me is the climax of the episode, where Clarence comes to comfort Jimmy. You’d think I hate Capra. I don’t. I’m just very sick and twisted. Enjoy!

WZMB Jazz at Three – Ep. 206 “Everybody Hurts” (Memphis Slim)

Section 1 Intro

Announcer: The following is a pirated broadcast from zombie-infested New York City.

(jazz theme)

Jimmy: Heyyy, all you Jazz Fans out there in the night. This is Jimmy Rudolph, coming at you live, not undead but live, from WZMB Jazz at Three. Broadcasting from the historic Tribeca Studios in beautiful downtown New York City, the greatest city in the world.

And, we’re back… Again. For those of you that missed us, WZMB was forced to shut down temporarily after a little water cooler incident—unbelievable, really.

J-Bo: Almost as unbelievable as somebody missing WZMB.

Jimmy: My zombie head lopper and spirit stomper Miss Jamie Bogart folks. Now you wouldn’t think a little thing like a water cooler could stop a radio station from broadcasting—

J-Bo: When lack of listenership couldn’t.

Jimmy: But you’d be wrong. The Bubblettes water company decided to cut corners on its anti-zombie filtration system and wouldn’t you know it, a zombie got in there.

J-Bo: A fresh mountain spring zombie.

Jimmy: The thing about a zombie being immersed for a while—they’re slippery. And by the time we got the zombie cornered and uncorked, we’d lost the studio president, vice-president, CEO, CFO, the BOD, DJ Frankie Teller, the morning Zoo Crew, the Lunch Bunch, the Drive Time players, and Don Imus.

J-Bo: I thought that man would run forever. Turns out he got winded after thirty feet.

Jimmy: Ironically, J-Bo and I were doing a remote at the time on the miracle of the Bubblettes filtration system.

J-Bo: The show’s gonna air all week, during the Imus time slot.

Jimmy: So until we get a new Board of Directors up and breathing, there’s been a hiring freeze here at the station. And since J-Bo and I were the “soul” survivors…

J-Bo: Oh, my God…

Jimmy: We’re running the show all by ourselves here at WZMB.

J-Bo: Except I do all the running.

Jimmy: You expect me to run in these?

J-Bo: You never wore those before. And how did you find six inch stilettos in your size?

Jimmy: My point, Jazz Fans—

J-Bo: And he’s got three of them…

Jimmy: Is that things are hard out there for a DJ. It’s not easy, broadcasting this show—

J-Bo: It’s easier than listening to it.

Jimmy: But we do it, just like we do it, every day, all night, we pull it together and take it on the road, for you, Jazz Fans, all for you. When the going gets rough, the rough gets going. Resilience. That’s the theme of today’s show. And we want to hear from you, folks. Tell us how you’ve overcome some struggle. Lines are open, so call in now.

(Long pause.)

J-Bo: Where’s the cricket when you need him?

Jimmy: Obviously, folks are too busy resilienting. And if there’s ever been music that expresses resilience, it’s… jazz. So let me play you a little Memphis Slim while I pours myself a little scotch. You see, I have to pour myself the scotch now, instead of just tilting back my head and opening my mouth. I have to use a tumbler and everything… but that’s what resilience is all about… J-Bo? This scotch-holding glass thing is empty.

J-Bo: That’s a bottle, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Thanks, Sister Catherine, but where’s the scotch?

J-Bo: I guess we’re out.

Jimmy: … We’re…

J-Bo: We’re out. Turns out you drink more when you pour it yourself.

Jimmy: Okay, well how about you send out an intern to hop over to the scotch-holding glass store and pick me up another couple gallons of this brown life-giving elixir?

J-Bo: No interns, Jimmy.

Jimmy: No interns? Then who was I harassing in the john?

J-Bo: Uh… that would be the mirror? The hiring freeze means no interns.

Jimmy: We have to hire them? Why? We don’t have to pay them! Nevermind, you go.

J-Bo: We’re in the middle of a show, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Well, how long would it take?

J-Bo: An hour at least. I have to strap on the leather, sharpen the machete, refill the napalm gun, put on some mascara—you never know who you’ll run into—

Jimmy: An hour, fine. I’ll put on a Miles Davis song.

J-Bo: That’s if there’s a place open at this hour. 24 hour liquor stores aren’t as popular as they used to be. The despair draws the zombies.

Jimmy: So break in! This is an emergency!

J-Bo: If I leave, Jimmy, I won’t be able to lock the door. All the keys were lost in the Bubblettes melee. The zombies would find you, in your stiletto heels. By the time I got back, you’d be zombie skat. Sorry, but you’ll just have to do without.

Backstage at Zombie Radio Show

Jimmy Rudolph, ready to roll...

Jimmy:… I can’t take it anymore! I’m done!

J-Bo: What?!

Jimmy: How much do they expect us to take?! We’re not animals!

J-Bo: You are if there’s free shrimp.

Jimmy: I have tried, I have given it my all, to stay alive and stay human in this zombie-clogged cesspool, to keep civilization going, but I can’t… DO IT… Anymore! Zombies! You win! You won’t have Jimmy Rudolph to kick around anymore, ‘cause I’m going to just let you eat me.

J-Bo: They’ll probably kick you around first. Easier to open the skull that way.

Jimmy: In fact, this is my last show, folks! I’m going to finish this show, and at the end, I’m going to blow my brains out, right here on the air!

J-Bo: Uh, Jimmy? We’re out of bullets.

Jimmy:… This is too depressing for words.

J-Bo: Jimmy, what happened to resilience? When things get tough—

Jimmy: The tough get things! Like scotch!

J-Bo: Y’know, we’ve got, like, a vat of vodka.

Jimmy: (hopefully) Is there orange juice?

J-Bo: No.

Jimmy: Game over! Game over! Ahuh-huh-huh- (clatter)

J-Bo: Jimmy? Jimmy! Uh… here’s some Memphis Slim, folks.

(jazz)

J-Bo: And we’re back… And we’re back…

Jimmy: And we’re back, whatever.

J-Bo: Jimmy, read the news. Maybe there’ll be an item that’ll cheer you up.

Jimmy: Yeah, sure. And now the news. The snow storm pelting New York City has turned to icy rain and sleet, making for dangerous conditions on the street. On the plus side, zombies have been rendered practically harmless, as they are too uncoordinated to negotiate the slippery terrain, and wind up prone and unable to rise to their feet.

J-Bo: There you go. See? That’s funny.

Jimmy: Department of Health reports the death of fifteen teenagers shoveling driveways in Brooklyn, who mistook prone zombies for snow banks.

J-Bo: Okay, maybe not funny ha-ha.

Jimmy: A salt shortage has forced New York to spread ground-up zombies on the streets. The salt content of the necrotic flesh, mixed with its radioactivity, has proven effective in melting ice and sleet.

J-Bo: There you go, using zombies to make life a little safer…

Jimmy: Sudden spikes in infection rates of pre-school children have ignited the city’s new “Don’t eat the green snow” campaign.

J-Bo: Okay, now that’s funny.

Jimmy: In national news, Bubblettes Water has lobbied Congress to declare zombies a green vegetable, making their zombified water legal.

J-Bo: And healthy!

Jimmy: So kids can’t eat green snow, but they can eat zombified pizza for school lunch?! What are we doing here, J-Bo?

J-Bo: Let’s check traffic with the Sky Pirate Sekowski.

Sekowski: Hey, New York, things should be looking good on the BQE, now that the zombie salt has melted the ice. Unfortunately, it’s also melted the road, with the shoulder and outer lanes completely gone and the other lanes getting thinner by the minute, so avoid the BQE if your car’s not pretty narrow. Traffic is brought to you by Bubblette’s Water. The water with that healthy glow! Back to you, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Thanks, Sky Pirate. Wish I were a chopper traffic reporter.

Sekowski: Beats working for a living, Jimmy. Once you get past the zombies on the helipad, it’s clear sailing—especially with these self-cleaning rotors, the zombie guts don’t cake on the blades like they used to. You can fly with peace of mind, until it’s time to land.

Jimmy: And when you feel suicidal, you don’t need bullets.

Sekowski: Hey! You got a point there, partner! I could even take out a few brain parasites, just nose this baby into a zombie swarm or a movie premiere. Thanks, Jimmy. You’ve made the coward’s way out seem downright attractive. Hey, good luck with your thing. This is Sky Pirate Sekowski signing off!

J-Bo: Jimmy! Did you just talk Sky Pirate into suicide? Who’s gonna airlift us out of here during the next swarm?

Jimmy: You never take the airlift option, anyway.

J-Bo: And miss a good bloodbath? No way. But what about you?

Jimmy: You think I’ll change my mind about ending it all? Find a reason for existing?

J-Bo: No, but I think you’ll chicken out. Look, it’s time for the sports profile. You like sports.

Jimmy: Sports?

J-Bo: The stuff going on just behind the cheerleaders.

Jimmy: Oh, yeah, I like sports.

J-Bo: So do the sports profile. Introduce the guest.

Jimmy: Okay. Uh, folks, this last weekend, New York was the proud host of Superbowl 48, pitting the number one defense, the Seattle Seahawks, against the number one offense, the Denver Broncos, anchored by my guest, Denver QB cutie, Peyton Manning. Peyton, congratulations on making it to the Superbowl!

Manning: Uh, thanks.

Jimmy: It must be awesome for a guy as young as you to be playing at the top of your profession.

Manning:… Did you see the game?

Jimmy: Oh, yeah. Nice cheerleaders. You dating any of them?

Manning: Not anymore.

David Pinion and Angelle Gullett Backstage at WZMB

David and Angelle in Studio

Jimmy: Zombies haven’t infiltrated Denver yet—it’s taking them a while to climb that mile. Did the zombies have any effect on your game preparation?

Manning: Look, I don’t want to make excuses. True, the zombies were a little unsettling. And when they ate our offensive coordinator– that took us by surprise. The blood-slick football was hard to get used to, and the screaming from the bench kept throwing off our rhythm. The Seattle fans are famous for screaming the loudest when being eaten. But I don’t want to make excuses. Seattle was a hell of a team.

Jimmy: Wait… you lost?

Manning: … Yes.

Jimmy: I’m sure it was a nail-biter, though.

Manning: Not really.

Jimmy: What was the score?

Manning: 43-8, plus seven Broncos killed against the Seahawks two. They’re a fast team.

Jimmy: But your cheerleaders looked so happy. J-Bo, what are we doing interviewing losers?

J-Bo: Jimmy, be nice. Russell Wilson beat it out of here like a scared bitch the second the TV cameras shut off. He didn’t even shower. Peyton Manning braved the zombies for the last four days to stay here for this interview.

Jimmy: Yeah, because he can’t show his face in Denver.

Manning: Hey, I am a five time NFL MVP! I’ve won eight division championships, two AFC titles. I’ve been in thirteen Probowls, and I’ve won a Superbowl, pal! Not this one, but, y’know, one.

J-Bo: That’s almost as many as your little brother.

Manning: Okay, you know what?… You’re right. The fact is, I deserve this crumbling zombie-infested city. All that work, the incredible season, and we walk into the biggest humiliation of my career. Why even bother? That’s why I’m staying in New York. The zombies! I’m waiting for them to eat me. I walk around with my brains on my sleeve, hoping for deliverance from the shame. But even the zombies don’t want me. I’ve shaved my head, put on some skull softener. Nothing.

Jimmy: That’s tough, Peyton. You want some scotch.

Manning: Yeah, Jimmy, I could really use some scotch.

Jimmy: So could I. (They both weep.)

J-Bo: Ugh. We’ll be right back.

(jazz)

Announcer: Ah! Bubblette! We’ve always been the name you trust in water. Now we’ve got the trust you can see! You can see right through the other waters. Bubblette water isn’t afraid to show its true color. And that color is green. Like a clear meadow, a nutritious salad, a sparkling sea, that’s green, Bubblette water has a color from the rainbow. It also has the USDA seal of approval with a full helping of vegetables in every sip. (USDA approval pending.) Plus, Bubblette water always comes warm, no matter how cold it is outside. Enjoy fresh, sparkling refreshing Bubblette water, and take a bite out of your thirst. (Bubblette water may soften teeth.)

Jimmy: Great! Now my teeth are softening. Zombies bite me, and I can’t even bite back.

J-Bo: So don’t drink it, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Nothing else to drink in this dump. Well, fans, J-Bo’s trying to cheer me up, but to paraphrase the great Cole Porter, life is just too darn hard.

J-Bo: Life’s not that hard, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Not for you, maybe. You live in the slums, fighting off zombies in your sleep, while I, down in the DeNiro bunker, insulated from the base struggle between life and death, I have the time to contemplate the burden of existence.

J-Bo: I guess I should thank you for kicking me out on the streets and never putting me up on your couch.

Jimmy: And so I’ve decided that after this show, I’ll put an end to this business called my life.

J-Bo: That’s taking the easy way out.

Jimmy: Easy? No knives, no bullets, no rope, no windows to leap out of… this is gonna take some doing.

J-Bo: You could walk to the liquor store and let the zombies eat you on the way.

Jimmy: In these heels? If I wanted torture, I’d play show tunes.

(phone ring)

J-Bo: Hey, Jimmy! Listen to that! The phone’s ringing! You know what that means! Not only is someone listening to the show, but they have a resilience story for you.

Jimmy: This oughtta be good for a laugh. Hello, Jimmy Rudolph, WZMB, talk to me.

Steve: Jimmy, you really gonna kill yourself?

Jimmy: Well, it’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.

Steve: Y’know what you could do? Take the shoes off and shoot the stiletto heels through your eyes into your brain.

Jimmy: Huh. Hadn’t thought of that…

Steve: You could even set the spikes on fire before you press them into your eyes. Use the vodka as an accelerant, and just woosh! Then when you run around the room in blind agony, set up chairs so that you’ll trip all the time, and drive the heels further into your…

Jimmy: Okay, thanks for calling in. (click) He really gave that some thought.

J-Bo: (laughing) Yeah.

Jimmy: Well, any other heart-warming tales of resilience, call ‘em in. In the meantime, here’s a little more Memphis Slim.

(jazz)

Announcer: Profiles! In! Courage!

Jimmy: What the heck was that?!

J-Bo: That’s our “Profiles in Courage” lead in. We spent top dollar on that. It was your idea!

Jimmy: We coulda spent that money on bullets, and I wouldn’t be taking calls from sickos with a fetish for my eyes.

J-Bo: Just introduce the guest, Jimmy. This is the kind of cornball thing you like.

Jimmy: Okay, let’s see here… Cooper here is a twelve year old boy who has always wanted to be a zombie kill squad member. But an unfortunate accident with a bear trap lost him his right arm. But with the help of prosthetics, a kickstarter account and an MIT class project, it looks like Cooper will be hunting zombies after all. Please welcome Cooper Schmidt.

Cooper: Awright! Awright! Hey, Mister Rudolph!

Jimmy: Pretty excited to be on the show, eh, Cooper?

Cooper: Gosh, yeah!

Jimmy: Well, that excitement will pass. All excitement. All zest for life—

J-Bo: Jimmy!

Cooper: Hey, Miss Bogart!

Jimmy: You know J-Bo, Cooper?

Cooper: Do I? She’s the greatest ever! I have her fold out in Zombie Chicks! Was all that real blood?

J-Bo: Yes, Cooper, it was. I’m glad I can be an inspiration to up and coming zombie killers like you.

Cooper: Would you sign my prosthetic limb?

J-Bo: Hell, no. That’s creepy!

Cooper: (sniffle)

J-Bo: I’ll sign the magazine. The fold out.

Cooper: But it’s mint condition.

Jimmy: Still excited to be on the show, Cooper?

J-Bo: Do the interview, Jimmy.

Jimmy: So, Coopster, how’d you lose your arm?

Cooper: Me and Dad were playing zombie hunter in the back yard, and he rigged up this scarecrow with a bear trap in its stomach, and I was punching it and it went off.

Jimmy: Your Dad lets you play with bear traps?

Cooper: We do everything together.

Jimmy: Like getting your arms torn off? Do you do that together? He walking around with a floppy sleeve too?

Cooper: No.

Jimmy: So, when it comes to losing limbs, you’re on your own.

Cooper: Could we stop talking about it?

Jimmy: So what then?

Cooper: Dad said that everybody has to do their part, even helpless cripples…

J-Bo: Wait, you father said that?

Cooper: Uh-huh, and that I wasn’t going to lose my place in the Toby Keslaw Academy for Zombie Killing, so he welded a machete onto my stump.

Jimmy: Yeah, I love this cornball stuff.

Cooper: It worked okay, but all my power came from my shoulder, and it took me awhile to reset. I could take one at a time but a horde got me into real trouble.

Jimmy: Run into zombie hordes a lot? You live in J-Bo’s neighborhood?

Cooper: Oh, sure. My Dad rounds ‘em up, you know, for practice? He puts ‘em in the back, sends me out to play, locks the door, and when the moaning stops he lets me back in.

Jimmy: Has he always done this?

Cooper: He used to put them under my bed when I was three.

Jimmy: I get the picture. So?

Cooper: So my Dad posted one of my zombie kills on YouTube, and it got a bunch of hits, mostly because I was almost bit a couple of times. People would post things like “look at the one-armed little freak almost get eaten at 2:09.”

J-Bo: “Little freak”. The internet can be so cruel.

Cooper: No, that was the name of the video. “Little freak and the zombies.” Dad said it would get more hits, and he was right! So then he posts the “Little Freak” page on Kickstarter, and the “Little Freak” website. We’ve raised like a million dollars!

J-Bo: So you could go to the Zombie Killer Academy?

Cooper: No, I got a scholarship. Hardship something.

Jimmy: But that’s where the MIT guys come in, right? The million dollars pays for their R and D?

Cooper: No, they did that for free. And they gave me this huge triple jointed prosthetic arm that can kill eighty zombies a second. It burns when I have it on high, and I cut myself a lot, but it’s worth it. Besides, Dad says I’ll toughen up.

J-Bo: Where’s your Dad now, Coop?

Cooper: He’s at the Strand for a book signing.

Jimmy: Book signing?

Cooper: He’s an author! He wrote “Father of Little Freak.” Sold like a million copies.

Jimmy: Here’s the thing, Cooper. I know you think life is great, but life, and I’m talking your life, really stinks. First off, it’s taken you a whole department of MIT and horrible agonizing pain just to do what any regular two-armed kid can do with a sharpened Freddy glove.

Cooper: But Dad says I’m brave.

Jimmy: Your Dad is a scumbag.

Cooper: You take that back!

J-Bo: I’m with Jimmy on this one, kid.

Cooper: I’ll show you, Rudolph. Let me get my arm going… (chainsaw sound)

Jimmy: Please. You’ll be doing me a favor. Just not the eyes, okay?

Cooper: (chainsaw sputters out) You’ll be sorry you ever said anything about… Aw crap! I forgot to charge it.

J-Bo: There are lots of zombies out there, Cooper. Is your Dad coming to pick you up?

Cooper: I’m supposed to meet him at Per Se. Can I get a limo?

J-Bo: We gave you a limo.

Cooper: Dad’s using it.

Jimmy: Hiring freeze, Cooper. You’ll have to walk it.

Cooper: (cries) I don’t wanna go out there… Get out there Schmidt. Be a man! The weak get eaten! I want to live with Mommy again… (door)

Jimmy: Profiles in Courage. Back after this.

Announcer: On this week’s episode of the Z-Whisperer—

Z-Whisperer: Your husband wants to say something to you.

Zombie gragglegorrrrrrr…

Woman: I forgive you.

Announcer: A reconciliation from beyond the grave.

Z- Whisperer: He wants to be one with you again.

Announcer: He used to beat her. But love heals all wounds.

Z-Whisperer: He respects your intellect, in a new and deep way. He just doesn’t have the words to tell you.

Zombie: gragglekreklmwargh…

Woman: He’s a new man!

Z-Whisperer: Will you take him back?

Announcer: Her answer will shock you! Z- Whisperer. Thursdays on A and E.

Z-Whisperer: Ignore your nose. Follow your heart.

(phone rings)

J-Bo: Listen to all the people calling in with the resilient stories. We haven’t been getting calls like this in a while.

Jimmy: Jimmy Rudolph here…

Caller: You know a great way to kill yourself? Hotbox the studio and light a match—(click)

Caller: They say slitting your wrists is pretty painless. So don’t do it that way. (click)

Caller: Play more Miles Davis!

Jimmy: Is that supposed to be funny? Like listening to Miles Davis is going to kill me?

Caller: No, I’m just a jazz fan. Jeez. Last time I listen to this show!

Jimmy: You see? My listenership wants me dead. That’s pretty aggressive for an audience of Jazz fans.

J-Bo: It’s the zombie apocalypse, Jimmy. When you have to kill a dozen zombies a day, you tend to get creative.

Jimmy: But J-Bo, this show was meant to be a bulwark against all that mindless destruction against mindless destructive zombies. It was humanizing, edifying, peaceful—in theory. Obviously, our listeners are as blood crazed as the rest of the general population. My dharma is in the crapper. What am I continuing the struggle for?

J-Bo: Look, Jimmy, I’ll do the song. Would that cheer you up? “East side, West side, Bronx, downtown, if hungry zombies gotcha down…”

(Jimmy reluctantly sings along.)

Jimmy/J-Bo: Don’t be afraid. You’ve got it made. Just… Ask… Jimmy.

J-Bo: We have a caller, he’s got a zombie problem, and he wants you to help him.

Jimmy: You go ahead and help him, J-Bo. I’ll just step in if you get something wrong.

J-Bo: No, he wanted to hear from you. “Just Ask Jimmy”. This is your chance to help someone, Jimmy. This will give you the purpose you’ve been looking for.

Jimmy: … Okay. You’re on with Jimmy.

Alvaro: Hi, this is Alvaro from Williamsburg. I’m surrounded by four zombies, they’re closing in, and I’ve only got one bullet left in my gun. What should I do?

Jimmy: You wanna know what you should do?

J-Bo: Jimmy. Don’t.

Jimmy: Put the gun in your pocket.

J-Bo: Did not see that coming…

Jimmy: Is there some water nearby?

Alvaro: I gotta bottle of Bubblettes. Does that count?

Jimmy: Barely. Pour a puddle in front of you, like a moat. Then grab the electrical wiring from out of the wall, put it in the water. When the zombies start spasming, just leap over the stream and get out of there.

Alvaro: Great idea. Thank you, Jimmy.

J-Bo: That was great advice, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Wait. I’m not done. Grab a cab. Take it to the WZMB studios. I will give you cash money for that bullet–

J-Bo: Jimmy! I’ll finish off this call in the green room. You take a few minutes and snap out of it.

(door slam)

Jimmy: I’m not a praying man, Lord, but I’m at the end of my rope. Is there an easy way to let go of it? The rope? Or use it to strangle myself?

(harp glissando)

Clarence: Hello, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Who the hell are you?

Clarence: Clarence Oddbody, AS1. How silly it is of you to think about ending it all, just because life is hard. Don’t you see that the trials you go through down here are forging your eternal spirit?

Jimmy: No.

Clarence: Well… they are. But you’re talking about throwing away God’s most precious gift. Besides, you’re encouraging others to do it, which is keeping us angels very busy. Stuart Whillikers had to talk down a helicopter pilot!

Jimmy: Listen, Clarence, I’m trying to spread the gospel of jazz down here. I think it could make everyone a better person. Do you listen to jazz?

Clarence: Me? Ah, well, I, no.

Jimmy: See what I mean?

Clarence: Well, we’re very busy. We don’t have time for seventeen verses of “A tisket A tasket.”

Jimmy: Exactly. People are busy, and there’s no room in their lives for jazz in between hacking zombies to death.

Clarence: Hacking what?

Jimmy: God knows about zombies, doesn’t he? The undead rising from the grave, eating our brains?

Clarence: Heavens! No! He noticed that people were taking longer to get to heaven after they died. He figured they were just taking a year off to see Europe.

Jimmy: Then you don’t know what we’re up against.

Clarence: But you don’t really want to kill yourself, Jimmy. If you did, you’d just drink all that vodka. Should be enough there to give you fatal alcohol poisoning.

Jimmy: Of course. That’s the Jimmy way out. Thank you, Clarence.

Clarence: Wait, Jimmy—don’t you want to reconsider? I can’t go back up to Heaven and tell Joseph that I helped you off yourself, can I? Isn’t there anything I can do?

Jimmy: Go out and get me some orange juice? Here’s a twenty…

Clarence: What about J-Bo, Jimmy?

Jimmy: She’ll be better off without me.

Clarence: True, but can’t you see the influence you’re having on her? Without you to annoy her with jazz, she’d just be a brutally efficient killing machine.

Jimmy: She is a brutally efficient killing machine.

Clarence: But see how she tries to cheer you up when you’re discouraged? See how she braves the dangerous streets every morning with hot coffee—

Jimmy: It’s not that hot, usually…

Clarence: All to help you put on a jazz show that few people will ever listen to? Have you thought about what your actions today will do to her?

Jimmy: She’ll get over me. She’ll find out there are other DJs, better DJs. I’m just holding her back.

Clarence: Okay, ace in the hole time. Jimmy, we’re going to grant your wish.

Jimmy: Man, that was quick. I don’t see the orange juice. Did you bring change?

Clarence: No, not that wish. A deeper one. A wish of the heart.

Jimmy: Ooo, those are very subjective…

Clarence: I’m going to show you what life would be like if you weren’t around.

Jimmy: Now? I’m busy. This vodka won’t poison me by itself.

Clarence: Come with me outside, Jimmy, and I’ll show you a world most familiar, and most strange—(zombie growls) What’s that?

Jimmy: The Bubblette zombie. I thought they killed that thing.

Clarence: It’s hideous, devoid of God’s light.

Jimmy: And it’s a vegetable. He’s slippery, so be careful. Whoa!

Clarence: Ah! My wings!

Jimmy: Hey, he likes you.

Clarence: Oh, Joseph! Joseph! Argh!

Jimmy: Great! You keep him pinned down, and I’ll just… kick him outside! (door slam) Great job there, Clarence. You’re really earning your keep… Clarence?

(door)

J-Bo: I’m back. Hey, what’s with the dead angel?

Jimmy: He was an answer to a prayer.

J-Bo: Jimmy! Were you praying? You know that never ends well for you!

Jimmy: He got ravaged by the Bubblette’s zombie. The little bastard was still alive, hiding out here, in the closet—(gasp) It’s a miracle!

J-Bo: What? What’d you find in there?

Jimmy: Scotch!

J-Bo: I didn’t think we were out.

Jimmy: Here, let me just… (gulp) Ahhh!… You know what this studio needs?

J-Bo: A minivac for the feathers?

Jimmy: This studio needs jazz! Here’s a little Memphis Slim for you folks. As for me, I learned something about myself. That I have an untapped reservoir of resilience, that no matter how hard things get, I will continue to shovel sand against the tide, until we can all sit together in a smoky den, cigars in one hand, scotch in the other, and snap our fingers at some hot new jazz act—

J-Bo: Which hand are you snapping with?

Jimmy: Relaxed, safe, and human once more. Until then, this is Jimmy Rudolph–

J-Bo: And Jamie Bogart—

Jimmy: We’ll see you next week with WZMB, Jazz at Three!

Announcer: Zombie Radio Show will be back next Thursday at 7:00 pm PST on Radio Titans! Radio titans dot com. Find more zombie radio show at zombie radio show dot com. Follow zombie radio show on twitter, facebook and you tube. Aghhh!

Announcer 2: Brains.

Jimmy:(off mike)Happy Birthday, Mister President…

J-Bo: That’s enough scotch. And take off those stilletos!

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