Heyy, Jazz Fans! Jimmy Rudolph here. I’m not gonna lie to you– Mama needs a new pair of shoes! In fact– screw that bitch. I have my own needs. So take a look at some of the merchandise below, and throw a little coin our way. We have CDs, shirts and books, all zombie-related and chock full of entertainment. Certified “brain free” by Rabbi Yosef Aleichem from the Yonkers Synagogue!
Zombie Survival Guide
Zombies got you down?
Well, at this point, we can’t help you. But if you are just shy of the zombies actually pinning you, then you need this survival guide!
J-Bo and I have been working tirelessly on this Zombie Apocalypse lifeline– J-Bo writing, and me keeping the single malt inspiration flowing. And we’ve come up with the definitive guide that New Yorkers can’t do without. It’ll save the yokels, too.
In this fact-packed document, you’ll discover the answers to the most frequently screamed questions:
- What is the fastest way to kill a zombie?
- What weapons are the most effective?
- Do zombies have vulnerabilities?
- What areas of the city should I avoid?
- Where are they all coming from?
- Why me, dear God, why me?
You’ll learn the surprising truths about common misconceptions. You’ll discover:
- Why guns are a terrible weapon against zombies.
- Why zombies aren’t as slow as they seem.
- Why you’re better off on your own, rather than hanging out with that survivalist asshole who claims to have a nuke.
- Why we’re not all gonna die.
All of this brain-saving information is presented with the same high brow humor and wit you’ve come to expect from Jimmy Rudolph, but which he hasn’t been able to deliver because of a wicked head cold. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll survive. Best of all, this valuable document is only $1.99!
So order “Jimmy Rudolph’s Zombie Survival Guide by J-Bo” and start living!