Scary Movies? We wish. Hey, Jazz Fans, Jimmy Rudolph here, feeling a little reminiscence-y for the good old days, when nobody really knew what a zombie infested world would be like. (Spoiler alert– Smelly!) Some filmmakers posited that zombies would move fast, scrambling down tunnels at break-neck speed. (Most of those bastards couldn’t run that fast when they HAD a heartbeat! Sorry, Mr. Boyle.) Some submit that zombies can speak, even protest politically. (Unless they’re agitating for their constitutional right to brains, I don’t think so. Sorry, Mr. Dante.)
You gotta love these early, innocent stabs at apocalypse. They’re just so sweet. Of course, the reality has turned out to be much worse than these filmmakers could foresee. First of all, humanity wasn’t so quick to die off. Second, the government abandoned the militaristic approach that seems to be a given in many zombie pictures, preferring instead the free-market strategy. Finally, the survivalist vigilantes, while they could survive zombie onslaughts, were absolute murder at the local community meetings– and I mean that literally. These guys are assholes. Worse than the zombies! Just the other day, I park my car, and this douchebag says “Get out of the car, zombie,” I mean, just for the parking space. That’s another one I owe you, J-Bo!
To be frank, Jazz Fans– I miss it. I miss the simplistic, ham-handed endearing movies that tried so hard to scare us, and now just make us post-apocalypsees laugh until we cry. Take this weeks example– “Zombieland”.
First off, fast zombies? Maybe it’s more cinematic, but the terror of zombies is that they’re everywhere. Just run out into traffic, and the cars will take care of the fast zombies for you. But when zombies are everywhere– well, where you gonna run to, Miss Milkshake? No, you have to walk, with a weapon, and cleave a safe space out of a metric ton of zombie flesh– or at least hire someone to do it for you. (Thanks again, J-Bo!)
Second– “Double Tap”? Are you kidding me? You have to remove the head, Mr. Eisenberg. That’s like “Forty Tap”, depending on what you’re tapping with. If you’re tapping with something sharp, you’ll make that lunch date. If you tap with a bat, call your secretary and cancel.
Finally, let’s talk that last scene in the amusement park. I’m sure you all read that story in the NY Post last week. Some frat kids from NYU, drunk and watching “Zombieland” at the Loeb Student Center, decided to re-enact the climactic roller coaster shoot out down at Coney Island. It went well, for the first few zombies. But they didn’t think about clearing the tracks. Boy, were they surprised when their car hit a pile of writhing undead flesh at the bottom of that famous drop. As they flew of the tracks down into the waiting throng of zombies below, I bet their last words were “Hey, that wasn’t in the movie.”
Absolutely right, drunken NYU frat boys. Absolutely right.