Zombie Intelligence! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 73 Part 2 “Zombie Liberation”

Click Here to Listen to WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 73 Part 2 “Zombie Liberation”!

Zombie Intelligence? It sounds like a contradiction in terms. If they had brains of their own, why do the zombies want mine? Still, on the other hand, maybe eating all those brains creates an “intelligence by osmosis” situation, and the blue-bloods are actually incredibly smart. They only shamble around like comatose ghouls because they’re lulling us into a false sense of security, and once we let our guard down, they’ll launch their master plan– although why we’d let our guard down when they’re trying to eat our brains is beyond me. And I’d like to hear the master plan that’s worse than eating my brains.

So maybe they’re not that smart after all. Kinda like the military invaders. To see for yourself, check out the video adaptation.

Now, it seems to me, Jazz Fans, that before you invade a place, you should know a little something about it. I mean, you could at least crack open a Distant Lands Travel Guide for New York City. Empire State Building, what to tip, zombies, it’s all right there. Yet the military seems a little confused as to what to do with them. (Here’s a hint, invading troop– nylons and chocolate won’t cut it.)

Seriously, Jazz Fans, if the 129th Albany National Guard took all the time and trouble to bring their tanks and Blackhawk helicopters, but spare brains slipped their minds, what are we supposed to think? It just shatters any confidence we had in these guys, and completely undermines their authority.

If they didn’t have all those guns and ammo, no one would listen to them!

And even though yours truly doesn’t carry a gun, you can listen to me by following me on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube.

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Zombie in Exile! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 73 Part 1, “Zombie Liberation”

Zombie in Exile! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 73-1 “Zombie Liberation!”

We’re walking the line, jazz fans. The line between order and chaos. Between life and death. With Albany’s Finest on one side, with their foraging parties, checkpoints and guns, and New York on the other, with her tough as nails civilians, her zombies, and her guns, we’re walking the line, fans, the line we must stick to in order to survive another day, like a tightrope over the howling abyss, incredibly narrow and precarious, thinner than rope, too thin to see… in fact, you can’t see it. It’s metaphorical, this line. That’s how thin it is.

New Yorkers are no stranger to lines. We walk them all the time. We hand pretty girls a line, we snort lines, we drive over lines, and we stand on them. No one knows better than us how to walk a fine line. But this line feels line-ier, somehow. Perhaps because the line is so fine, it’s hard to find, especially under all that gum on the sidewalk.

But New York, we can search all day and never find the line. Because the line is inside us. It’s an inner path that we all must harken to discover. Which technically means it’s not really a line, so much as a squiggle. And how the hell are we supposed to walk the line if it’s inside us? I mean, come on, I’m as Zen as the next guy, who is me, but aren’t we asking a bit much? To walk a line that’s inside us? I mean, I just had these shoes cleaned!

But we’re New Yorkers, and we’re tough. And if anyone can walk a line that can’t be walked, found or located externally, it’s New York City! And if you buy that line, I got a bridge to sell you!

And if you’d like to hear more from Jimmy Rudolph, you can line up at Twitter, Facebook and YouTube!

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Zombie Leftovers

Heyyy, Jazz Fans! Jimmy Rudolph here. I’m in the middle of a major food coma here. I guess I had a little too much turkey. Of course, stuffing the bird with Darvon couldn’t have helped. Fortunately, the couch has been Martinized and I’m wearing diapers, so we’re all good.

But I feel bad about not having an episode to share with you this week. We did let J-Bo try to do one on her own, but her special guest kinda– died. Long story. Anyway, we had to destroy the evidence. So nothing new until Friday.

Still, the Monday after Thanksgiving is all about leftovers, and we have two Thanksgiving Episodes ready to reheat, pour a little gravy over and pass off as food. Give a listen to them right here!

WZMB Zombie Radio Show Thanksgiving ’12!

WZMB Zombie Radio Show Thanksgiving ’11!

We hope you enjoy the walk down memory lane. We hope the episodes give you what they gave me– that warm, runny gooey feeling, trickling down your legs… oh. Guess I should change the diaper.

Whatever. Zzzzzzzzzzzz….

(See how much more there is to Jimmy’s snore by following him on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube!)

Zombie Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from WZMB!

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Happy Thanksgiving from Zombie Radio Show!

Zombie Giblets! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Thanksgiving ’12!

Join Jimmy and J-Bo as they host the Zombie Free Thanksgiving Day Parade! Happy Thanksgiving to you from all of us at WZMB!

Zombie Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from WZMB!

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Zombie in Victory! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 72-3 “Occupation!”

Zombie in Victory! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 72 Part 3 “Occupation!”

The bitter contest is behind us, Jazz Fans. And it’s time for the winners to be gracious. To be a Zombie in Victory!

Now, that phrase may strike you as odd. Am I suggesting that the winners of a given contest now have the right to eat the brains of the loser? No, fans, nothing could be further from the truth. Why, I’d have to have my own brains eaten to subscribe to that theory. (Stop laughing, J-Bo!) No, I don’t mean the brain eating, or the being undead thing, or the general level of hygiene that these creatures attain, or fail to attain. These qualities are disgusting, and should be avoided by anyone over twenty-seven.

No, I mean the finer qualities of the zombie. The quiet dignity with which they stride through the streets, head held high. (The zombologists insist it’s because they’re sniffing for brains, but it sure looks regal.) The way they bear their misfortunes without complaining– going out into the street with whatever rags they still wear without an ounce of self-consciousness, never whining if an ear or a limb should fall off in their travels. (The zombologists insist that this lack of pretense indicates a commensurate lack of brain activity, but I can think of a Spice Girl who could use a lack of brain activity. I’m looking at you, Posh!)

And the victors of the recent unpleasantness should emulate these fine traits. Don’t gloat over the cowering innocent in your path. Just kill him and move on. Don’t rub the fallens’ noses in the filth, when that same soft tissue may be the best access to the brain. Don’t be a sore winner. Be a winner that no longer feels anything, due to decayed nerve endings.

Follow the zombie’s fine example, and you’ll not only be a winner to the world, but you’ll be a winner to the losers you’ve disgraced. And robbing them of their shame, rage and need for revenge is the same as eating their brains.

Follow Jimmy’s fine example of Twitter, Facebook and YouTube!

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Zombie Piece! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 72 Part 2 “Occupation!”

Zombie Piece! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 72 Part 2 “Occupation!”

We hate zombies because they refuse to rest in peace. Well, what about us? ‘Cause from where I’m sitting, things don’t sound all that peaceful!

Heyyy, Jazz Fans! Jimmy Rudolph here. Sure, it’s Thanksgiving week, and everyone’s thinking about what piece of the turkey they’re going to get. But I want us to think a little bit about what peace we’re going to get– The white meat of brotherhood or the dark meat of understanding, the breast of love, or the wing of harmony. Or the giblets of… communication. I don’t know. The analogy kind of fell apart there, fans– much like a well done, well basted turkey will, when roasted in the oven of kindness and basted in the juices of happiness.

But you can’t partake of the feast unless you’re prepared to sit down at the table with your family. The ones you love, the ones you hate, the ones that won’t shut up, the ones that owe you money, we must sit with all of them, and break bread, though the crust of obstinance be crispy, and the crumbs of war get stuck in your eye, and make you cry tears of tears. For verily, only by sitting one unto another can the wine of comprehension be shared, and the butter of respect be passed.

Can the kids sit at another table? That little frizzy-haired girl won’t stop giggling!

Yes, fans, though the tryptophan kicks in and the lids of the eyes begin to droop, still will I preach the gospel of peace. We want zombies to rest in it. The least we can do is to live in it. Peace, fans. Peace. Because I can’t hear the fuckin’ football game!

For more endless metaphors, follow Jimmy on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube! And we’ll see you tomorrow with the harrowing conclusion of the New York City Occupation! Spoiler alert! That heavy cream is bad.

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Zombie Melancholy! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 72-1 “Occupation!”

Click Here to Listen to WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 72, Part 1, “Occupation!”

When it comes to melancholy, no one does it better than a zombie. Shambling through the streets, a hollow mockery of their former selves, sadly appealing for the company of others, only to kill anyone who comes near by eating their brains, and the whole process starts all over again.

Well, Jazz Fans, let me just say for the record– I get it. I know what it is now, for the first time, to wander the streets aimlessly, searching for something I know I’ll never find, but searching anyway. I understand the need, the emptiness, and the sore feet, and when the zombie moans, it strikes a chord inside of me that echoes the loss, the hopeless despair. Oh, J-Bo.

She’s out there, folks. In harm’s way. As usual, but less usual-er than usual, because now she’s up against the living, and though they’re easier to kill, they’re a bit faster and better armed than zombies. And everywhere I go, each way I turn, I’m reminded of her absence– the empty chair behind the sound board; the empty coffee pot; the empty petty cash drawer; What the fuck, J-Bo?!

Let’s bring ‘em home, folks. Let’s get our beloved boys and girls, and J-Bo, out of the bullet’s path, and back into the zombie’s path where they belong. To think of our fighting men and women out there on the line, actually fighting, is too horrible to comprehend. These kids are the flower of our generation, and too precious to waste. Let’s bring ‘em home– until the next time something comes up that’s more important than their lives. Then, yeah, by all means. USA! USA!

… and the whole process starts all over again.

And if you want to avoid putting yourselves in harm’s way, you can follow Jimmy on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. Jimmy would never put himself in harm’s way, so he should be safe to follow.

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Zombie Evacuation! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 71 Part 3 “The Rudolph Evacuation”

Click Here to Listen to WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 71 Part 3!

Zombies evacuating is one thing– but to see the entire city walking out on– well, the entire city– that was discouraging, Jazz Fans. The sight of all those New Yorkers lined up with their Yankees caps piled atop their heads, facing New Jersey, turned away from Canal Street– that sight broke my heart. It almost made me lose hope.

Almost.

Heyyy, Jazz Fans, Jimmy Rudolph here, and I just want it on the record that I never really believed that New York was finished. If the crack epidemic, the recession, zombies and the garbage strike couldn’t kill New York, no way could one day of me being Mayor to the job. We’re survivors. We know how to cope! And all it took for New Yorkers to come to their senses was a helping hand. There’s nothing like the offer of help to restore New Yorkers to their natural state, and get them to stand up straight and proud, and say, as one– “Fuck you! Go help your mama!” To bring tears of pride to your eyes, watch the video adaptation below.

Yes, New York, things are worse than ever. On top of everything else that has gone wrong, you now find yourself stuck in armed conflict with the National Guard. As they heap their atrocities atop you, as they suspend your human rights, kick in your doors and rape your women, as they waterboard civilians and force rabbis to eat lobster, may these indignities forge a new spirit of rebellion in the Big Apple, and may they unite us all!

(And most of all, may they make you forget that I nearly destroyed the city when I was Mayor.)

If you have a short memory for my deeds and misdeeds, you can follow me on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube. I promise to remind you how great I was.

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Zombie in Solitary! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 71 Part 2 “The Rudolph Evacuation”

Click Here to Listen to WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 71 Part 2 “The Rudolph Evacuation”!

I can only imagine how lonely all the zombies must be, now that all the living beings have abandoned New York for New Jersey and parts worse. Well, the zombies can take some comfort in the fact that Jimmy Rudolph is still here! …just don’t tell them where I’m still here at.

Heyyy, Jazz Fans! Jimmy Rudolph here. I have to say, it’s very strange being so alone in what has always been such a crowded city. I’m walking around the studio now in my underwear, scratching at will–which is not unusual for me, I do that all the time, but I miss the outraged gasps and constant calls of “Jimmy, get your pants on, for chrissakes!”

Sure, I could leave with the rest of the fair-weather New Yorkers, taking the easy way out by carrying all their belongings on their back and walking out through the crowded tunnels with a million other people jostling them and zombies trying to pick them off from the perimeter– but I don’t take the easy way out! I prefer to tough it out here, in my bunker, with my vat of Courvoisier. Like the rest of you, I’m no wimp! Just see for yourself below.

(Sniffle) I still get choked up watching that last part. Of all the people who I was sure wouldn’t leave New York, J-Bo was one of them. The studio doesn’t seem the same without her. It certainly doesn’t smell the same. No one could wear Ax Body Spray like her. It stands to reason that if someone as tough as J-Bo couldn’t stay, that other New Yorkers would have no choice but to follow. I just hope they can see her. She’s pretty short.

But as for me, I stay behind, not only because the Big Apple is my home, not only because this is where the jazz lives, but because if only one person stays in this city, then history can’t say that Jimmy Rudolph chased everybody out!

And if you’d like to follow me as I go nowhere, you can check me out on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube.

Anyone?

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Zombie Evacuation! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 71 Part 1 “The Rudolph Evacuation”

Click Here to Listen to WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 71 Part 1 “The Rudolph Evacuation”!

Zombie Evacuation? More like Zombie Buffet. New Yorkers by the millions are packing themselves in the narrow streets, like salmon swimming upstream, many of them snatched in mid step by a zombie lurching from an abutting lobby or under a parked car. Yet despite this horrible danger, New Yorkers line up with their belongings on their backs, just waiting to be the next morsel for some brain dead ghoul. Why? Why do they do this?

Because of me.

All right, New York, I get your point. I’ve stepped down as Mayor, the City Council has control of the city again, so everything’s back to normal. You’ve made your point– Jimmy’s a naughty mayor. I get it. What do you want, me to write it on a blackboard fifty times?! Jesus!

Message received, okay? You can all turn around and go home, pull your children from the gaping maw of that zombie and live your friggin’ lives, okay?! If you’re only doing this to humiliate me, mission accomplished. Oh, and by the way, naming the evacuation after me? Nice touch. That really put the nail in the coffin. Now I can’t answer the phone without people asking me “Rudolph? Hey, any relation to the evacuation?” My relatives are changing their name to “Hitler.” Thanks!

Now some of you may have a legitimate problem that requires leaving New York City– like when I tore down your home to erect my bath house. You can go. But for God’s sake, do it with some dignity. Get in a car, rent a van, fly out on a plane. Hell, I’ll pay for the ticket (coach only, I’m not made of money.) But for God’s sake, stop trudging through the streets moaning about your miserable plight with your suitcases strapped to your back, pulling your little old mother behind you in the barcalounger she can’t get her fat ass out of! Show a little sensitivity to my needs. Can’t you see how this hurts me?

You could make it up to me by going home and following me on Twitter, Facebook or YouTube.

Seriously. You’re killing me.

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