C’mon, Tourists! You gonna let zombies keep you away from discount tickets for “The Book of Mormon”? You gonna let the prospect of a little zombie drool on your skull keep you holed up in your humdrum life, instead of standing in the shortest lines ever for a Peter Luger’s Steak? You gonna let the undead keep you away from Coney Island, when there are just as many living reasons to avoid Coney Island?
Heyyy, Jazz Fans! Jimmy Rudolph here, gettin’ all text-y with you, and I want to speak some truth into the ears of tourists. Y’know, you used to love New York! I believe there are t-shirts to that effect. Starting in April, we’d see you start to drive in on your buses and parking space hoarding minivans, standing on the streets with your cameras, waiting in line at the TKTS booth, weeping at Ground Zero and the cab meters.
Not anymore. Looks like the zombies have taken a bite out of tourism. Now it’s rare to see any of you asking for directions to uptown. Frankly, we’re a little wounded. So I’ve decided to take matters in my own hands. As of right now, Jimmy Rudolph is an NYC booster! Check out this week’s episode of WZMB Zombie Radio Show as I tout all the still-fabulous places in New York City, from Battery Park City to Jamaica, Queens. Listen to this episode, and you’ll see that New York is still the greatest city in the world– not in spite of zombies, but notwithstanding zombies as well!
Once you cast your tourist ears over this fine offering, you’ll be showing up to New York in droves– taking all the good parking; driving the cab fares up; turning other parts of the city into pedestrian malls; asking me for directions; taking pictures; singing on the subway…
Y’know, forget it. Forget I said anything. Stay in BumFuck. We’re good.