Great. I suppose this is my fault.
I got the call last week from the Pasadena Weekly, saying that they wanted to put me on the cover for their Halloween edition. Normally, I let my body double Norm handle these requests, but he’s been MIA since this year’s Zombiepalooza in Vegas, so it was me or nothing. I’ve always been a friend of the Weeklies, and I know from personal experience what good a boosted circulation can do. Besides, the per diem was too sweet to refuse.
I flew out from JFK on Tuesday. I was scanned for zombie mites, given a rad-sweep from which my gums are still bleeding, and my luggage was doused in kerosene, as per usual. J-Bo and I arrived without incident and were shuttled out to Pasadena for the photo shoot and the interview. Carl couldn’t have been nicer, and the photographer found all my good sides, and some of J-Bo’s back hands. We walked through Pasadena’s Old Town, which looked newer that New York’s New Town, had a late night meal at Roscoe’s, hit the hay early and flew back to NYC on Wednesday.
Well, I got the other call on Wednesday night. It seems that a minor, I want to emphasize “minor”, zombie infestation has been reported for the first time in Pasadena, and that apparently, the infestation flash points are Pasadena’s Old Town, Roscoe’s, and the location of our photo shoot.
Now, I don’t want to get all defensive on you, Pasadena, but, really? You all have never had zombies before? Well, who the hell is attending all those Pasadena Pops concerts? Have you seen your Mayor?! I’ll tell you what this is– it’s profiling! Just because I’m from New York City, all the zombies have to be my fault? I mean, it might have been my zombie-proof condoms– I use them to smuggle in my X, designer drugs out there are soooo expensive– but the chances are so miniscule that my lawyer says I shouldn’t mention them. These baseless accusations have made me so upset, I can’t even relax and enjoy the excellent article the Pasadena Weekly did on us. Read the article here!
Frankly, it’s about time you West Coasters have learned to deal with real issues. Earthquakes, landslides, race riots and economic ruin– these are wimpy problems. But now that you have a few zombies, you get to grow up with the rest of the industrial world. Try “having lunch” in your outdoor cafes with zombies shambling around. It’s not easy to “take a meeting” when someone is trying to take your brains, but it can be done. With Schwarzenegger as your Governor, you should be better equipped than most states to kick the apocalypse right in the pills!
Schwarzenegger’s not the Governor anymore?
Oh, Jesus, what have I done?