Heyyy, Jazz Fans. This is Jimmy Rudolph wishing you a happy, happy 4th of July.
Actually, to be completely honest, this was Jimmy Rudolph wishing you a happy 4th of July. As I type this, it is June 15th, and I am making final arrangements for my trip to the Beach Bunker in Brighton. As you read this, I’m at the Beach Bunker, rounding up gorgeous nubile survivors and… well, celebrating life, I guess, is the G-rated term for what I’m doing.
And I want to take a moment, in the midst of all this future hedonism, to say that I love America, and I appreciate the many sacrifices others have made so that I can be free to exploit helpless women in Brighton.
Many of you may say, “Jimmy, how can you love America? It’s a very troubled country. The economic outlook is bleak, our leaders are deadlocked in a pointless, partisan cycle of bickering and power plays, and zombies are roaming New York City in greater numbers than ever. How, Jimmy, can you love America?” To which I would reply by getting J-Bo to punch your face for me. This is the 4th of July. Exercise your free speech later– like when you wake up. It may not be popular, but I love America. And I love America the best when everyone loves America.
I love America, because in America, we’re free. Free to say what we want, do what we want, free to run from zombies in any direction we choose. We don’t have Big Brother telling us how to survive. We manage on our own– some of us. And those of us who survive feel grateful to be in America, and free. Actually, we’re grateful just to be alive, but being free and in America is included in that subset.
Some say that in other, more police-statey countries, the zombie problem would be solved by now. Sure, round up the zombies in concentration camps and chop off their heads on assembly lines, problem solved. J-Bo, punch that guy again. I may not like zombies roaming the streets, nor do I appreciate their decomposing, brain-eating lifestyle, but by God, I will defend with my life their right to live that lifestyle. Unless they’ve already killed me.
But most of all, I love America because the complete inability of our government to solve our problems has led to the most fascinating problem solving techniques. J-Bo’s Two-Bagger, Ronco’s “Zomb-omatic” and of course, the new trend of naked zombie fighting. Barbaric, demented, lewd and unnecessarily gratuitous? Perhaps. But I prefer to think of it as American.
Enjoy the beer, the barbecue and the fireworks, America. But don’t forget what America is really about– beautiful naked zombie killing, from sea to shining sea.