Zombies and Love? Zombie Radio Show Ep. 206 Part 1

Heyyyy, all you Jazz Fans out there in the night. Jimmy Rudolph here, with a new episode of Zombie Radio Show for you!

Click Here to Listen!

It’s a sad day when you look at yourself in the mirror and ask “Where did love go?” It’s an even sadder day when you spot a zombie behind you while you ask it. And when you bash that zombie with the mirror and use the broken shards of glass to chop off it’s head, with no special someone to help you, or scream while you do it– well, that’s the saddest day of all.

Here at WZMB, we try to keep hope alive. It’s hope that keeps you alive, and it’s life that defeats the Zombie Apocalypse, and it’s jazz that keeps you hoping, and hopping, so we’re defeating the Zombie Apocalypse with jazz. You’re welcome. But jazz is also the music of love, and there’s not much love out there on the streets right now. In the most romantic city in the world, New Yorkers are too busy keeping the zombies at bay to get close to anyone. Even the old romantic stand-bys like horse-drawn carriages have been impacted. Those zombie horses may be cheap, but they totally dampen the mood when they try to stomp out your brains.

But we can dream, fans. We can dream of a better day when consenting adults can come together and kill zombies hand in hand. When the roses are red again naturally, without being sticky. When we can lose our hearts instead of our brains, and playing mind games doesn’t mean zombie street hockey. I believe we will see those days again, Jazz Fans.

But until then, we’ll keep a single romantic candle in the window, put some jazz on the Bose, the champagne on ice, and wait for Love to come home.

Ring three times, Love, to show you’re not a zombie, or I’ll take your head off at the neck.

 

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Little Old Zombie from Pasadena

Great. I suppose this is my fault.

I got the call last week from the Pasadena Weekly, saying that they wanted to put me on the cover for their Halloween edition. Normally, I let my body double Norm handle these requests, but he’s been MIA since this year’s Zombiepalooza in Vegas, so it was me or nothing. I’ve always been a friend of the Weeklies, and I know from personal experience what good a boosted circulation can do. Besides, the per diem was too sweet to refuse.

The Zombie Radio Show Crew (and friend)

I flew out from JFK on Tuesday. I was scanned for zombie mites, given a rad-sweep from which my gums are still bleeding, and my luggage was doused in kerosene, as per usual. J-Bo and I arrived without incident and were shuttled out to Pasadena for the photo shoot and the interview. Carl couldn’t have been nicer, and the photographer found all my good sides, and some of J-Bo’s back hands. We walked through Pasadena’s Old Town, which looked newer that New York’s New Town, had a late night meal at Roscoe’s, hit the hay early and flew back to NYC on Wednesday.

Well, I got the other call on Wednesday night. It seems that a minor, I want to emphasize “minor”, zombie infestation has been reported for the first time in Pasadena, and that apparently, the infestation flash points are Pasadena’s Old Town, Roscoe’s, and the location of our photo shoot.

Now, I don’t want to get all defensive on you, Pasadena, but, really? You all have never had zombies before? Well, who the hell is attending all those Pasadena Pops concerts? Have you seen your Mayor?! I’ll tell you what this is– it’s profiling! Just because I’m from New York City, all the zombies have to be my fault? I mean, it might have been my zombie-proof condoms– I use them to smuggle in my X, designer drugs out there are soooo expensive– but the chances are so miniscule that my lawyer says I shouldn’t mention them. These baseless accusations have made me so upset, I can’t even relax and enjoy the excellent article the Pasadena Weekly did on us. Read the article here!

Don't let her on the casting couch!

Frankly, it’s about time you West Coasters have learned to deal with real issues. Earthquakes, landslides, race riots and economic ruin– these are wimpy problems. But now that you have a few zombies, you get to grow up with the rest of the industrial world. Try “having lunch” in your outdoor cafes with zombies shambling around. It’s not easy to “take a meeting” when someone is trying to take your brains, but it can be done. With Schwarzenegger as your Governor, you should be better equipped than most states to kick the apocalypse right in the pills!

Schwarzenegger’s not the Governor anymore?

Oh, Jesus, what have I done?

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Zombie Radio Show Halloween Safety Tips

It’s that time of year, Jazz Fans, when creepy crawlies stalk the streets, searching relentlessly for food. Actually, it’s always that time of the year here in zombie-infested New York City, but in late October, we send our children out to join them. Now, speaking as a show business professional, I’ve done my share of putting on weird costumes and begging for goodies, like applause or a higher per diem. I’ve learned a lot from my vast experience, and for once, I can put my vastness to good use. Here, for the kiddies, are some safety tips for Halloween night.

To hear the Zombie Radio Show Halloween Episode, click here!

Tip #1- Go! 90% of life is showing up. The other 10% is not showing up when it’s dangerous,  I get that. But hiding under your bed when your parents knock on your door with your costume, or clinging to the bed frame when they drag you out, or lapsing into catatonia when they try to put your costume on, is just not seemly. At some point, you’re going to have to go out into those undead streets and make a living. Halloween is the perfect training today for tomorrow’s street-wise entrepreneur. So do your parents proud, put on that Transformers costume, sharpen your machete and grow a pair. There are Snickers out there for the taking! And if the tunnels get clogged with human flesh again, like they did last Spring, and the food trucks can’t make it through, those Snickers are gonna be pretty darn tasty.

Tip #2 – Costume, Costume, Costume! Wearing that felt Snoopy outfit is a big mistake. The felt is absorbent, and weighs you down when engorged with bodily fluids, making you look more like Clifford the Big Red Dog. If you want to continue trick-or-treatin’ after your first encounter with a zombie, it’s important to choose a costume that can be easily hosed off. Mylar outfits are your best bet. They cling in all the right places, and their connection to tragic suffocations is circumstantial at best– those kids would have died anyhow. Your other option is what I call “The Michelin Method”. Put on seven layers of costume. You’ll be waddling at the beginning of the night, but as you stain your outer garments with the clotted blood of the undead, you strip it off and leave it behind, leaving you fresh, thinner and more spry for your next encounter.

Tip #3 – Never Trick or Treat alone! Always go with parents, who are made very useful by their tendency to throw themselves in between you and a ravenous zombie. If parents are unavailable, slow kids will do.

Tip #4 – Take the Veggies! Sure, we’re doing this for chocolate and strip club coupons, but every once in a while, some do-gooder will throw a carrot or an apple into your sack. We used to throw these away– usually at the do-gooder. But those tasteless clumps of nutrients may save your life. A carrot can be sharpened by your teeth into a shiv, perfect for stabbing out the eyes of a zombie looking for your brains. Apples, on the other hand, were made by God to wedge into a zombie’s gaping maw, making it too full to accommodate your sweetmeats. Urban legend had it that neighborhood psychos would offer apples with razor blades inside. Good! You can use those razor blades to slice off a zombie’s head.

Tip #5 – Have fun!

That’s it, kids. I hope you enjoyed this bit of advice, and if you survive the night, a 10% gratuity is customary. No carrots or apples, please.

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The Devil Comes to ZombieTown! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 204

Talk about assumptions, Jazz Fans! You’d think that zombies and Satan would get along well. Satan steals souls, zombies steal brains. Though it could be argued that having soul is not the same as having brains, (not everyone has soul, fans!) you can’t live without either. You’d think that zombies and Satan would appreciate each others’ work. Perhaps they’d meet at some succubi bar and discuss techniques. Satan would talk about the time he got some guy to sell his soul in order to save his child from cancer, only to transfer the cancer to the father and make the same deal with the child, while the zombie could drool and crack a skull open. I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation– but it would be pretty crowded. Those two would attract a lot of flies.

But as it turns out, folks, Zombies and Satan do not get along, and Thank God! (Although he doesn’t get along with either of them.) To see what I mean, check out this latest episode of WZMB Zombie Radio Show!

Click Here to Listen to Zombie Radio Show Ep. 204, The Devil Comes to ZombieTown!

If you think about it, fans, it makes sense. What are zombies, after all, but undead ghouls who refuse to go to hell? Who can blame them? Heat is tough on all of us, but heat is murder on zombies. The intense temperatures increase their decomposition rate, leaving nothing but bones and the toughest of tissue. No muscle makes them slower, weaker, and with all the bones rattling against each other, it makes them louder, so they can’t even sneak up on a guy. Satan, on the other hand, has a brain– pretty tasty, by all accounts. That’s why he has those horns– to protect his brain from zombies, and probably to keep birds off.

No, Zombies and Satan are implacable enemies. Good thing, too. It means New York City is stuck with one or the other. Unfortunately, we’re stuck with the zombies.

You can check out more Zombie Radio Show on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube.

 

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“The Papp Smear!” WZMB Zombie Radio Show

Of all the many New York City traditions– the Sunday Times, rollerblading and crack, to name a few– none are so affirming as Shakespeare in the Park! Since 1956, Joe Papp has brought Shakespeare to the people, making sure that everyone has access to the immortal Bard, whether they want it or not. From the Turtle Pond to the Delacorte, we’ve been able to see the likes of Collen Dewhurst in a corset and Paul Sorvino in tights. Yum!

Until the ol’ Zombie Apocalypse. The city fathers believed that free tickets would attract fans of Shakespeare, which would in turn attract fans of brains, and cancelled the venerable institution. But the outcry was so tremendous (or maybe it was just the death screams of attacked protestors,) the city has reversed its position, and Shakespeare in the Park is back!

Click Here to Listen to WZMB’s coverage of Shakespeare in the Park!

Hey, I’m not saying it was all perfect. Gerard Butler isn’t exactly a classically trained actor. Still, he knows how to wield a sword. Helen Mirren as Lady Macbeth is a revelation, as is her ability to tear an undead ghoul’s head off with her crown. And Michael Rooker– well, Michael Rooker!The bottom line is, this is a performance that will go down in legend. It was supposed to be a six week run, and it turns out the show couldn’t run fast enough. But those 37 minutes before the actors were overrun by zombies will rank as some of the greatest minutes in live theater.

I do want to put to rest the rumors that I will be playing Hamlet next year. Even if they manage to clear the Delacorte, establish a zombie-free perimeter, create zombie deterrents that are not radioactive and give me a teleprompter for the longer speeches, I’m happy to continue as nothing more than your humble DJ, bringing you the best in jazz to keep you cultured in these dire times.

Besides, have you seen what theater pays? I mean, I’m sorry, I’d just be losing money.

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NY, NY– One Hell of a Town!

C’mon, Tourists! You gonna let zombies keep you away from discount tickets for “The Book of Mormon”? You gonna let the prospect of a little zombie drool on your skull keep you holed up in your humdrum life, instead of standing in the shortest lines ever for a Peter Luger’s Steak? You gonna let the undead keep you away from Coney Island, when there are just as many living reasons to avoid Coney Island?

Heyyy, Jazz Fans! Jimmy Rudolph here, gettin’ all text-y with you, and I want to speak some truth into the ears of tourists. Y’know, you used to love New York! I believe there are t-shirts to that effect. Starting in April, we’d see you start to drive in on your buses and parking space hoarding minivans, standing on the streets with your cameras, waiting in line at the TKTS booth, weeping at Ground Zero and the cab meters.

Not anymore. Looks like the zombies have taken a bite out of tourism. Now it’s rare to see any of you asking for directions to uptown. Frankly, we’re a little wounded. So I’ve decided to take matters in my own hands. As of right now, Jimmy Rudolph is an NYC booster! Check out this week’s episode of WZMB Zombie Radio Show as I tout all the still-fabulous places in New York City, from Battery Park City to Jamaica, Queens. Listen to this episode, and you’ll see that New York is still the greatest city in the world– not in spite of zombies, but notwithstanding zombies as well!

Click Here to Listen to WZMB Zombie Radio Show Ep. 202

Once you cast your tourist ears over this fine offering, you’ll be showing up to New York in droves– taking all the good parking; driving the cab fares up; turning other parts of the city into pedestrian malls; asking me for directions; taking pictures; singing on the subway…

Y’know, forget it. Forget I said anything. Stay in BumFuck. We’re good.

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… And We’re Back!

Heyyyyy, Jazz Fans! It’s been a long time comin’, but Jimmy’s back!

Jimmy Rudolph… The Jazz DJ? C’mon, I’ve been playing jazz at WZMB for years!… Jazz! You don’t remember jazz? The American art form? The blend of African rhythms and chords with European harmony and structure, the rockin’ cradle of rock n’ roll? Miles Davis? Charlie Mingus? Chuck Mangione?…

I’m in hell…

Jazz DJ Jimmy Rudolph of WZMB Zombie Radio Show

This is me! Jimmy Rudolph!

Okay, listen, New York got taken over by zombies, and instead of letting people go all crazy, I play them jazz and remind them that they’re human. Okay? Is that “TV Guide” enough for you?

What’s “TV Guide”? Okay, now you’re just pissing me off! Put down the goddam PSP and listen–

Got a half hour? Click Here to Listen to WZMB Zombie Radio Show!

There! Now do you see? We got zombies attacking people. Most of them are slow, shambling monsters, but some are screamers, some are leapers, some are zip zombies, and there are new mutations every day. They have a ravenous hunger for brains, or if brains are unavailable, just the flesh. A single nibble from these creatures will send a toxic infection through your veins that will kill you and turn you into a brain-munching mockery of your former self in three days.

And that’s not even the worst part! The worst part is, New Yorkers are changing even without being bitten! They’re slowly transforming into… survivalists! They’re buying whole arsenals of guns, bombs and blades, turning neighbor against neighbor, cutting off a man’s head if he even looks at your brain sideways. (No offense, J-Bo.)

City services are going down the tubes. The police are overstretched, hospitals overrun, and try getting a pizza delivered in the middle of a zombie swarm! The tip they ask for is outrageous. Buses are dicey, cabs are scarce, traffic is worse than ever.

You may wonder why we stay if things are so bad. Well… it still beats New Jersey.

We stay because we love the New York. We love the energy, the excitement, the danger, the hustle. Even with zombie drool coating it, the Big Apple shines brighter than ever in our hearts. And our hearts are something that zombies can’t touch.

Well, they could, tchnically, but they’re more about the brain.

So tune in to our new home at Radio Titans, or listen right here. We’ll have a new show every week. Filled with brains, humor, heart, but mostly… jazz!

Yes, Jazz! Deal with it!

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Zombie But Equal? WZMB Zombie Radio Show Classic Clips – “The Robin Files Part 3″

Zombie but Equal? Absolutely! Jazz Fans, I’m no racist, no matter what the Dutch might say. I marched on Selma, for God’s sake! This was about twenty years after Dr. King marched there, but hey, the principle’s the same. I walked right into the gift shop and demanded rights for the consumers. “Free at last? With these prices? I don’t think so!” I’m staging a boycott of that gift shop to this day! So don’t call me a racist, you dike-fingering bastards.

But I never thought the day would come when zombies would become a civil rights issue. To be frank, I never thought the day would come when zombies existed, but there you go. Zombies exist, and the undead crisis has raised some spooks– I mean, ghosts. The same issues we fought, marched on and defeated are rearing their ugly heads like the zombies that re-animated them. Just check out this video to see what I mean…

When will we be able to put aside the racism that divides us? After all, when zombies spot us, vulnerable and alone on a street corner, trying to hail a taxi cab, do you think they see skin color. No, Jazz Fans! They see a brain delivery system, and any color will do.

In fact, come to think of it, zombies are the only ones out there who aren’t racist– apart from me. Maybe we should start learning from the zombies! Maybe we can look at blacks, browns, yellows, even (shudder!) the Dutch, not as different races, but as nothing more than a sequence of chemicals that we can completely exploit and devour. Maybe then, we can embrace people who are different, if not as brothers and sisters, then at least as meals. Everyone has something to offer, my friends, and it would be rude to refuse these gifts, whether offered voluntarily, or ripped from unyielding skulls.

Metaphorically.

Don’t forget to follow yours truly, Jimmy Rudolph, on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube.

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Zombie-ish Harlem! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Classic Clips! The Robin Files 2

Ah, the good ol’ days. When we thought we had zombies under control! When Harlem was briefly not under quarantine! When the attractive, young Melissa Moline was my producer. Those were the days!

Heyyyy, Jazz Fans, Jimmy Rudolph here, and the other day I was sipping a cappuccino with my good friends Mortie, Perkins and Rajah. Mortie used to be a postman, Perkins was the sommelier at the famous “Phrog’s” on 47th and Broadway, and Rajah was a cabbie. All retired now,  they like to get together and grouse about kids today, compare procedures past and future, and pay the homeless to french kiss them. Sometimes, if my busy schedule allows, I join them, even though I’m still gainfully employed as a famous and influential DJ at WZMB. I like to keep in touch with the common man. Besides, Rajah is loaded, and I have a great business opportunity for him.

Anyway, in between ordering our 4th round of water and splitting the tab, we started reminiscing about the good old days. Now, I’ve never been a back-looker, unless Beyonce is walking by. I firmly believe that my best days are ahead of me, and will keep believing that to my dying day. Which is dumb, I admit. But this latest bull session with the boys got me thinking about last year, and how great things were back then. To see what I mean, just check out this video adaptation of Zombie Radio Show!

Zombies were finally under control. Of course, that turned out to be bullshit. It turns out that the process that tamed zombies was also the process that turned them into ravenous ninja beasts. But for a while there, we were treating zombies like they were our friends, or at least our slaves. Some us even volunteered to become zombies. When those people turned into ravenous ninja beasts, they must have wanted a refund.

Harlem was no longer under quarantine. Even their Screamers were tamed. Our old friend Robin was so upset when the fence came down. Bet she’s happier now, now that the fence is back up and the Screamers are back worse than ever.

And I fondly recall Melissa Moline and her magical switchboard killing powers. She always had a smile for me as she scratched my priceless LPs. Of course, the only reason we had Melissa in the booth was because J-Bo was in jail for killing a zombie, the ones we thought were tame but turned out to be lethal ninja beasts.

You know something– it’s easier to feel good about the past when you’re hanging out with senile old men. The minute you start blogging (and thinking) about it, the luster just disappears. Thanks a lot, WordPress!

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Zombie Harlem Shuffle! WZMB Zombie Radio Show Classic Clip “The Robin File”

When zombies swarmed the city of New York, it was the worst thing imaginable. But in Harlem, is was even worster. Already beset by lackluster job investment, crumbling infrastructure, poor political representation and the Clintons, zombies were the icing on a multi-layered cake– not chocolate frosting, either, but that sugary pale stiff icing that no one wants to eat.

Not only did Harlem get more than its fair share of zombies, Harlem zombies managed to mutate into one of the most lethal types of zombies, “The Screamers”– blind, but with a paralyzing scream that short circuited the motor functions of anyone who heard it, freezing them in place until the groping shamblers could find them.

When New Yorkers are faced with a challenge, they band together like no one else and fight that challenge. But screamer zombies? Come on! We’re not crazy! So we banded together and said “Harlem, you’re on your own!” We quarantined Harlem, surrounding it with electrified concertina wire, and promised the good residents that we would get our kill squads in there at the first opportunity. Three years later, we’re still promising. We will continue to keep Harlem in our thoughts and prayers, even as we keep it out of our line of vision.

Fortunately, we have Robin Sellars, community activist and angry black woman, who calls yours truly now and again and give us an update on what’s happening. Not only does she remind us that Harlem exists, she black-peppers Jimmy with some very important questions; Are zombies a civil rights issue, as well as a survival issue? Can African American advancement be accomplished in the midst of a city-wide emergency? And does Jimmy really call that dancing, because it looks like a chicken being slowly cooked with electric jolts on a rusty spit.  This week, we present some of our favorite “shoutouts from the ‘hood”. Truth to power, Robin! And if you know Eddie Murphy, tell him I’d like to have him on the show.

And if you want to keep up with all the WZMB greats past and present, you can follow Jimmy on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube.

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